Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you failed at something?
It doesn’t have to be a big thing. It could be missing the winning point in your squash game, it could be burning the birthday cake you were making for your friend, or not making that last sale. Failure is something we all encounter in life, from an early age in fact, when we fall down the first time we try to walk. This is the perfect analogy for what I want to talk about today, which is why failure, which is so often viewed as a bad thing in adult life, is actually what makes you succeed.
Why Do We Fear Failure?
We also fear failure because it’s often deeply tied to our self-esteem. We believe that failing or being seen to fail reflects badly on our character, on our competence, and our worth. This tends to come from a mix of low self-esteem, perfectionism and fear of judgement. Add in a dash of past negative experiences and societal pressure to succeed, and failure often feels like the worst thing
But here’s the thing. Failure doesn’t mean that things are done and finished. Failure is simply what we call it when things don’t go our way. It’s a reference point for success, and a way to help us re-evaluate what success looks like. It gives us an opportunity to look at what we really want, and why we’re pursuing that goal.
Failure is an essential part of existence in the world – and not just for us. Failure is nature’s chisel, stripping away the excess around what we do, moulding and shaping us into what we need to be to succeed. Failure is what makes us better people, and what helps us understand how to succeed next time. It’s also what gives us such a sense of accomplishment and a drive to achieve more when we do succeed. After all, there is no sweeter feeling than failing at something 100 times, only to succeed on attempt 101.
Every failure is a step towards success, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Thomas Edison, whose most memorable invention was the light bulb, phrased it best. It took him 1,000 tries before he developed a successful prototype for his revolutionary idea, but he never gave up. When a reporter asked him “how did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” he said “I have not failed. I've just found 1,000 ways that won't work”.
Navigating the Feelings of Failure
Above all, try to be kind to yourself. Failure is a natural part of the world, and of our learning and development process. So, while it can feel bad at the time, if you have the right tools at your disposal you can get through it in a positive way and use it as that valuable learning experience. A few of our suggestions include:
Embrace the Emotion: Failing can sometimes put a big dent in our pride, which means our natural instinct is to run away from it. With failure come a range of emotions, including embarrassment, anxiety, anger, sadness and shame. Those feelings can be uncomfortable, and most of us will do anything we can to hide from them. But thinking about your emotions, acknowledging them and allowing yourself to experience them can make you feel much better, faster.
Recognise Destructive Habits: you might be tempted to say ‘well, I didn’t want that job anyway’, or escape into alcohol, food or drugs to feel better. But this destructive behaviour will only make you feel worse in the long run, and it won’t heal the emotional pain you’re in. So try to minimise the destructive coping mechanisms you rely on at these times.
Practice Healthy Coping Skills: There are plenty of ways to cope with failure in a healthy way. Calling a friend, practising deep breathing, taking a bath, exercising, playing with your pet or just going to a walk. Not every coping mechanism works for everyone, so make sure you experiment and find one that works for you.
How to ‘Get Back on the Horse’
So, if you’ve struggled with your New Years Resolution, or any goal you’ve set for yourself, how do you get back on the horse and start again? Because after all, failure isn’t the end. It’s a learning opportunity and a chance to try again. There are a couple of ways you can do this.
First, try looking back at your goal and asking yourself if it was too big. Did you set yourself a lofty goal that wasn’t quite realistic? Was it too much to take on all at once? Sometimes we can do it without even realising, usually because we haven’t really understood how big of a challenge we’ve set ourselves. So instead of trying to achieve the big things right away, break it down into smaller steps that you can tackle before moving on to the next one.
For example. Say your goal was to get fitter this year. If you did just 10 squats a day, every day, by the end of the year you will have done 3,650 squats. Which, as well as making a huge difference, will mean you’ve done 3,650 more squats than you did last year. And, odds are that at some point along the way you will have felt that 10 squats was getting a bit easy, and added in some more. That really is the beauty of building up goals.
This approach also helps you to turn your desired new behaviour into a habit. It can take between 18 days and 254 days to form a habit, and the more drastic a change you’re trying to implement, the longer it will take to form the habit. And the more likely it is that you’ll fail. By breaking the new behaviour down into smaller steps, it makes it easier for you to integrate the first step as a habit. Once you’ve done that, building on the habit it much easier.
Next, take a look at your motivations. What was it that made you choose that resolution, that goal, in the first place? How will your life be different once you’ve achieved that goal? Sometimes, simply re-examining the reasons for the change can make you realise that it’s not quite right, or that your motives weren’t aligned with what you envision your life to be. This can help you to adjust your goals, and have more success the next time.
Finally, remember that failure isn’t the end! It’s just a stepping stone for success. By learning to cope with it in a healthy way, you can embrace it and be successful next. You’ve only, truly failed when you give up completely. If you’re not sure where to turn next, or you need some help coping with failure, then this newsletter, together with our MELP app, has all the resources you need.